Read according to your sun sign.
Aries: You will feel a sudden urge to rewatch episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy. Do not resist these urges. Submit. You’re not strong enough.
Taurus: You were the reason the Subway on campus shut down.
Gemini: You will start regularly using 90s and early 2000s slang. Your friends will look at you weird, but you’ll think it’s totally rad and da bomb.
Cancer: You will walk past the true admin of @burghysextape and feel a chill run down your spine. You won’t know who exactly it is, but you’ll know you were in their presence. This will be a pivotal moment in your life.
Leo: You will wake up in a world where the Beatles never existed, and only you remember them. You’ll try to recreate their music in an attempt to become world-famous, but you’ll fail because you have very little musical talent.
Virgo: You will take this horoscope far, far too seriously. You’ll forget this is basically the entertainment section of a college newspaper and instead genuinely believe that the predictions laid out here will govern and dictate every moment of your week. This will weigh heavily on you and slowly drive you to a state of panic and paranoia.
Libra: You will start falling back in love with the first person you ever had a crush on. This will not end well.
Scorpio: Your roommate will become an obsessive Swiftie overnight.
Sagittarius: Kim Kardashian’s outfit at the 2021 Met Gala will become your new official sleep paralysis demon.
Capricorn: Richard Nixon was a Capricorn. Food for thought.
Aquarius: A group of colorfully dressed kids and a talking brown dog with a van will unmask you as the culprit behind the demonic haunting of Macdonough Hall.
Pisces: You know the feeling when you’re walking down the street and you feel like every person is judging your poorly planned outfit? That, for a whole week.