Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Slobber, spice, everything nice

Butterfly, eskimo, French, Spiderman, vampire… no, these are not the names of raunchy sex positions I am rattling off — though they might be. I must admit I am not the most up-to-date with those sorts of things.

Rather, the aforementioned terms are all different sorts of kisses, some definitely more pleasant than others, but I suppose that depends on the people experiencing them. But I digress.

While it might be argued by many of my college-age peers that a round of sex — whatever one’s idea of sex is — is the surest way of expressing a person’s sexual appetite and preferences, I like to argue otherwise. Sex is an undoubtedly an important part of personal expression, but what I believe opens the door to all of this is the kiss.

Unless you’re in some weird, “Pretty Woman”-esque arrangement where you and the person(s) you are involved with do everything but kiss, I think you will agree that a good ol’ smooch is one of the first major means of interacting with one’s partner.

Scientists are now concluding that kissing is an instinctual way for us humans to gauge sexual compatibility and to see whether this person would be a suitable mate. Apparently we can tell all this from factors such as scent and behavior. To some people, a bad kiss can be a deal-breaker, unless they are willing to work with the kisser to help hone their craft.

What I find so interesting about the kiss is that you can say an infinite number of things with one: “Do me,” “I like you but I’m a third-date type of gal,” “I’d rather be watching Real Housewives,” and “I’m just using you for your Starbucks Perks.”
It’s all in the delivery.

I was in pre-K the first time I dished a kiss out to a boy in my class as a bartering tool. Every time the boy did something I wanted him to on the playground, such as letting me budge him in line for the slide, I would give him a peck on the lips. These instances come back to me in flashbacks and I remember how early on in life I peaked.

However, as I grew older and more sure of myself, I fortunately realized that things such as kisses are to be savored and stock-piled for the times that truly matter. Also, I realized herpes is a real thing and I do not want it.

I am all for people taking control of their lives, bodies and experiences, sexual and otherwise, as previous columns I have written will attest. But I am also of the mindset that our bodies are our temples, not visiting centers. We should only be granting entry to those who will not make us feel badly about ourselves afterward.

I am not one to protest a one-night stand. I would be a hypocrite if I stood on a soapbox and preached against them. But if you should decide that you want to bring someone home or make out with them in the corner of a party or in their car, just make sure you are doing so on your own terms.

So by all means, spread your sexual wings and decide what kind of kissing works best for you, if any. But never forget that kissing is the stepping stone to sexual expression, and if someone isn’t satisfying you at first base, they most likely won’t be hitting any home runs.

Email Maggie McVey at

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