Thursday, January 21, 2021

Keep it classy

We’ve all been there. It can last several weeks, months or all the way up to a year.

Dry spells happen at the most random times not to our enjoyment. But what happens when you encounter the exact opposite of a dry spell? What do we even call that? Is it a wet spell, or is it just… being a hoe?

Whichever way you want to see it, sleeping around definitely has its benefits. It’s empowering, it boosts your confidence and you get quite the ab workout if I do say so myself. However, there comes a time when you are sitting on your bed, on bedding that should probably be burned, and you think to yourself, I could’ve done that better.

So here it is, folks: a reflection of my rotten decisions when randomly hooking up, and what could’ve been done to make it a tad bit classier.

The first person you hook up with coming out of your dry spell is almost ceremonial. It’s like a private bar mitzvah, but instead of reading the Torah, you’re drunkenly reading the crappy tattoos on the other person’s back. The moment is definitely exciting, but sometimes getting overexcited can ruin the moment altogether.

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If you’re an aggressive lover, that built-up frustration will explode full-force in the form of biting, choking and/or scratching—which is hot, don’t get me wrong; however, when it gets to the point where you aren’t paying attention and accidently break your partner’s nose and knee them right in the balls, you can bet the night will end with a shameful walk home or, in my case, the other person rolling over and turning on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch.”

Alright, so the first person may not have gone well. What is more important is who you hook up with next. This time, you should be about 79 percent less wasted, and this person should be about 98 percent hotter. I suggest you find someone with an accent—“I like Brazilian ones.” Brazilians are awesome in bed.

You should be way more alert and aware of what you’re doing. Play some music, light a Yankee Candle and drink wine, not tequila. This should be a weekday, so you have the excuse of saying, “I have a test in the morning,”—which is kind of true because you should always get tested for STD’s. Gonorrhea is not classy even though it kind of sounds like it could be an exotic tropical flower.

Now that there’s a few more notches in your belt, hooking up starts to become much easier. Part of the fun comes from the new and innovative ways you approach a potential partner and how you initiate sleeping with them. I mean, we’re all guilty of having those times where you say“Brunette—my room, you down?” But if we’re talking about class, that’s not something a person with good morale would say. Start by buying that person a drink, or a cheesestick (I’m not quite sure what sober people order), and get your flirt on. Eventually, the tension will build through that foreplay, and you’ll end up with another steamy night, free from that pesky morning guilt where you ask yourself why you said what you said last night.

I could go on forever telling you how many times I screwed up while screwing. But, if we never screw up then we never learn.

Be a class act. don’t get too wasted, get creative, wrap your willies, smell like lilies and please make sure you don’t sleep with someone your ex talks to because that will blow up right in your face, and having something blow up all over your face…isn’t classy.

Email Nickolas Cavaliere at

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