Thursday, July 25, 2024

Hook-up swerve

My best friend always said, “You need to slay a couple of dragons before you rescue your princess.”

When I get a couple of drinks in me, I tend to adhere to his advice.

I have this problem where I humor and instigate conversations with people. I like to see where it goes. Sometimes it works in my favor, and the girl ends up being pretty cute. But most of the time, the people just end up being creepers.

This can be a problem when wearing drunk goggles. Sometimes, women whom I normally catch and release end up seeming like the biggest bass in the pond. I get flirty and ballsy after pounding a couple Beast Ices, which has lead me to horrendously awkward situations.

Occasionally, when I sober up, I end up regretting with whom I’ve been talking. My best friend was wrong.

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Slaying the dragon isn’t worth it when the princess is clearly in another castle. So, I’ve devised a plan when dealing with these “dragons.”

My first method is similar to dealing with a black bear. I recommend spraying bear mace, but realistically, that isn’t viable. Walmart sells it for over 30 bucks, but that’s my craft-beer-and-cheap- thirty-money.

You could also try yelling and making yourself seem bigger and scarier than the bear, but personally, I’m too nice of a guy for that. I have a hard time being mean to anyone other than my siblings, and I always think about how much it sucks to get turned down.

My fool-proof method has worked 100 percent of the time, every time. When the bear is close to you, you lie still, stay quiet and well, play dead.

My theory has always been that someone can’t force you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with if you’re already sleeping. I’ve been in situations where I’ve felt forced to hook up with someone just because I’ve been with them all night or wing-manned for a friend.

One time I waited for this girl to go to the bathroom. When she returned, I was presumed dead, taking up the whole couch. Had I hooked up with her, I would never live it down. My friends from home would rag on me worse than getting sprayed by any bear mace.

All kidding aside, hooking up with someone because I’ve felt obligated has made me feel like a piece of sh**. I’ve been guilted into doing things I wasn’t proud of.

One time, a girl forced me to go down on her. I used every excuse in the book, aside from telling her it makes me vomit, which it actually doesn’t, but I only like to do it with someone I care about.

I never asked her to go down on me. She just did. She made it seem like I wronged her because I wasn’t comfortable munching her carpet. Hell, she was a freaking weird girl.

The whole time I wanted her to leave. I didn’t have the balls to tell her to get out of my room, and I wish I could have played dead or maced her to get the hell out of there.

No one should have to feel that way, man or woman. Sometimes a flat out “no” is the hardest thing to say.

I may not handle things in the most mature way, but that’s why I play dead. If you’re attacked by a bear, you gotta try something.

Email Patrick Willisch at

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