Sunday, April 2, 2023

Sex and the SUNY: Make love, not war

Let me set the scene for you: Two young, dashing gay men have been dating on-and-off for the past year and a half.

Obviously, their relationship is better than yours. So what do they decide for the upcoming summer? Those two lovebirds sign the lease for an apartment together.

Everyone and their mother will tell you that moving in with this boy will either “make or break you,” and they are 100 percent correct — but let us see where these boys end up exactly.

The first few weeks are serene. One has his friends, who are completely laid back and up to do anything. The other has his friends who are close to 100 times less laid back — but with separate lives, meeting in the middle feels all the more natural.

Then the most unnatural substance comes knocking on the rickety back door. Its name is tequila, and it has come to rain down on this pair’s peaceful arrangement.

Tequila is the Webster’s Dictionary of alcoholic liquids. After a handful of shots (which is your first mistake — tequila shots should be limited to two), a brand new vocabulary begins to form in slurs from the mouth.

By this time, the relationship that used to welcome “aw’s” now falls victim to “ooo’s,” and no matter how brilliant it sounds in your head, confronting your boyfriend piss-drunk about minor flaws in the relationship is not exactly how one proves a point.

With a considerate apology in-tow, the best remedy to make amends is none other than make-up sex. That boy watched you kick down a door just to yell at him last night, he deserves the booty.

At first, he will refuse. This refusal stems from him trying to make his own point, but let’s face it — he’s as horny as you are. The best way to make the first move in this hostile dance is to take that sword by force and puncture it into your wound.

Make-up sex is tricky — tricky to the point where you just have to know how to do it. It is completely mathematical. Usually the equation works as follows: Aggressiveness plus submissiveness equals a pleasured partner.

Now, as far as being aggressive goes, it just means you should get into it more than you normally would. This releases a lot of tension you both have built in from the previous blowout. Submissiveness could mean a lot of different things, but in the case of our gay boys, submitting shows a desire to entice out of guilt.

Since our loving couple has learned that riding dirty takes you a long way, they’re ready to move past drunken arguments, and get this love train back on its tracks.

But few months, a couple of rum bottles and drunken “you’ll rue this day” comments later, half of that apartment that was joyfully signed away has been completely cleared out. Luggage lay in various basements of friends’ homes, and just a week and a half shy of the lease’s termination, the couple breaks it off.

Don’t fret, one much needed road trip to NYC later and already do these boys have an itching to embrace as a couple rising from the ashes of a sinister summer.

That itch indicates that there is something more than how these boys feel about each other. With twice the testosterone raging through their emotionally-scarred bodies, an apartment that now echoes and a week or two apart from any action, you can bet your bottom-dollar that at least one bottom was free.

Make-up sex is like a hammer and nail — one thrusts itself against the other to ensure a sturdy home. But in the case of this chaotic correlation, if you are going to get hammered, be prepared to get nailed.

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