Friday, January 15, 2021

Sex and the SUNY: Social cliques rule party scene

The dynamic of a typical college party at Plattsburgh State is roughly the same no matter which house you’re stumbling in to.
You confidently strut into a crowded house bracing yourself for the invasion of personal space and the makeup-melting heat rising from the dance floor. As the sweat and blood alcohol content rise in unison, you know it’s time for people to either start puking or start having sex in the hallway.

Each room in a party house plays a vital role in the effectiveness of how enjoyable the shindig will be. The bathroom is where drunk girls go to escape from creepy guys — it’s also where they become best friends with other ladies sharing the same toilet.

Bedrooms are the danger zone, unless you’re prepared for being an onlooker in an almost guaranteed sex palooza.
The dance floor is a claustrophobic cesspool full of horny guys and gals grinding up on each other while contemplating what move to make next.

Sex etiquette in college all depends on personal values. If you’re feeling extra friendly at a party and happen to make out with a handful of guys, there’s no shame in that. After all, making out with someone in college is basically the equivalent of saying hello in the real world.

If you’re the type of gal who wants to get their bean flicked every night by a different guy, then hey, more power to you.
On the same note, all you guys out there trying to score as much tail as humanly possible within the next four years, do what you have to, but beware. Females can be a nutty breed. When you take them home and choose to inject your fluids inside of them you can expect a few of them to cling on for dear life afterward.

Another word of advice to you partiers out there: Regardless of how intoxicated you may be, always use protection to ward off evil STD’s and potential unwanted pregnancies.

No matter how foggy your drunken goggles get, it’s impossible not to notice the social class dynamics as you barge into any given party. Frat guys assume they are the “kings of the castle” and sorority girls follow suit.

Kidding, of course.
Sporting those hard earned letters not only makes you stand out, but also allows people to automatically make assumptions about your character for both good and bad reasons.

Which sorority or frat you’re in can seal your social fate. There’s the typical cocky, bigheaded bros who think they run everything, the druggies, the nice awkward guys and everyone in between.

Sorority girls and their reps are just as notorious. From the “regulation hotties” to the hippie chicks who love to love everyone and reap the benefits of nature’s natural mood enhancers, there’s a place for everyone to fit in.

Knowing these dynamics is a clear indicator on whether you’re going to make it or break it here at good ol’ PlattyState. Maybe we should take a few tips from ‘Mean girls’ character, Janis Ian, and her “new to school” social group map and paint it on the walls of Clinton, but I think the dynamics here are pretty well-known.

To all the freshies out there, just remember the first year is the year of experimenting. You’ll pick it up soon.

Email Jordan Seymour
at jordan.seymour@

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