By Sydney Hakes
Aries
Your life will soon cross the line from comedy to tragedy, sending an entirely different group of people into gales of laughter.
Taurus
You’ll slowly start to see the value of improving communication in all your relationships, if only to better understand what the frantic firemen are trying to tell you.
Gemini
Sometimes there is just no way to say you’re sorry, but the rest of the time you should probably try just walking up to the person and saying “I’m sorry.”
CancerÂ
You’ll finally learn you can’t run away from your problems, but you haven’t given up on escaping by donning a clever disguise and hiding in a crowded restaurant.
LeoÂ
You’ve always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, but all everyone else seems to focus on is your lack of pants.
Virgo
Someday, people will have healthy, well-adjusted attitudes toward sex, but until then, you can still have it occasionally.
LibraÂ
You will fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior this week when you discover how much fun that sort of thing is.
Scorpio
You’ll get a free beverage refill when ordering a large-sized french fries, but really that’s going to be about it for you this week.
SagittariusÂ
After your 17th time around as an underpaid office worker in the late-20th-to-early-21st centuries, you’re really starting to become disenchanted with the whole reincarnation thing.
Capricorn
While it’s true there’s nothing you wouldn’t do to make your friends happy, that impulse will soon come into conflict with your willingness to do anything for a decent piece of pie.
Aquarius
You’ll provide much-needed insight and deep wisdom when you loudly proclaim that those politicians are just a bunch of crooks in front of the whole bar.
Pisces
You never thought you’d get tired of the endless parade of deep-fried food that is your life, and sure enough, it hasn’t happened yet.
