“I’m the plumber, I’m here to lay some pipe.”

“Anybody order the meat lover’s pizza?”

These classic lines featured in cheesy porno scenes skew our reality and expectations in the bedroom. Women see the FedEx guy and expect him to deliver a “package.” Men walk into an office with an attractive secretary with glasses and hope she’ll take her top off.

Don’t be embarrassed about watching porn, though. It can be a healthy stress-reliever at the end of a hectic day. The first time I watched porn was at the age of 7, thanks to a late-night HBO special — don’t tell my mother. Being so young, I was obviously confused about what was going on and found myself giggling at the guy’s rapid thrusts. Was this how normal people engaged in intercourse?

Sure, porn is an exciting thrill. However, hardcore scenes in which the male exerts his dominance give men the wrong impression.

Once I walk out of my dorm room every day, I’m usually not back again until 9 p.m. or so, and by that point, I’m ready to jump onto my king-size bed and unwind. This unwinding process involves whipping out multiple things such as my phone, and searching for some of my favorite adult film actresses — Tori Black, Alexis Texas, Belle Knox and countless others. It’s a mental rolodex I go through almost every night.

Watching porn is almost like reading a book. You’re led into a fantasy filled with characters and, most of the time, a storyline. But in porn, the fantasy contains choking, spitting and the dirtiest of dirty talk.

Men turn to porn for new ideas in the bedroom, and sometimes it’s too much. Just because the woman you see being slapped and spit on in a pornographic film enjoys that, doesn’t necessarily mean that your girl does as well. Before you go try a stunt like that, make sure she’s OK with it, even if you are trying to be spontaneous.

Don’t engage in sexual activity with a handful of expectations. Anything can happen — anything. Don’t be surprised if your partner isn’t as good at foreplay as they are in porn. They’re professionals for a reason.

Women are being objectified because of porn. Men see some crazy stuff and think it’s OK to treat women like a blow-up doll. We watch porn and think it’s the best job in the world. Having sex with beautiful people all the time? Why not?

But when we go to engage in this activity in real-life scenarios, it’s not remotely close to the experience we see on the Internet. Women will not always wear sexy lingerie. Guys will not always have an adequately-sized penis. And that’s perfectly OK.

If the person you’re with doesn’t perform fellatio as well as a pornstar, don’t criticize her for your disappointment. Also, all men will not always know how to please you. Instead, communicate with each other about what you like and how you like it. Don’t assume everything is fair game. If you begin choking your partner to enhance their orgasm, you may find yourself in some legal trouble if she’s not into it.

Know how to treat porn. Yes, these scenes involve real people, but they don’t exhibit realistic scenarios. Never in my life have I ever had a sexy librarian undress herself in front of me, nor have I seen half-naked schoolgirls, nurses, secretaries, cheerleaders and so on. Be careful with viewing pornographic acts. Porn is an escape from reality, an opportunity for our imaginations to run wild.

Email Chris Burek at opinions@cardinalpointsonline.com.

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