Sunday, August 14, 2022

In the Stars: Horoscopes for the week of Dec 12, 2021

By Adeeb Chowdhury

Read according to your sun sign.

 

Aries: You don’t know this yet, but Pete Davidson is dating you too. 

 

Taurus: The person you’ve really liked for a long time and desperately wanted to be with, is actually more interested in your best friend than in you. In fact, they would rather go out with anyone but you. But don’t worry. This is just because you’re not very attractive.  

 

Gemini: You constantly pride yourself on having “elite” and “different” music taste and “being born in the wrong generation.” Your entire sense of identity and superiority will crumble when you find out your #1 artist on Spotify was Drake.

 

Cancer: It will be revealed that you were the person who was listening to Dixie D’Amelio while having sex. Your social life will never recover, people will look at you weird on the street, and no one will sleep with you again. 

 

Leo: You had access to Gemini’s Spotify account and secretly streamed Drake every night while they slept because you can’t stand their massive ego and wanted to watch their whole condescending facade crumble before your eyes. 

 

Virgo: Your room will inexplicably smell like cow poop during all of finals week. No one else’s room, just yours.

 

Libra: Your significant other is comparing hand sizes with someone else right now.

 

Scorpio: You are an amazing person, Scorpio 🙂 You’re so smart and cool and funny, and you will achieve all your goals. You’re literally perfect. 

 

Sagittarius: Due to the butterfly effect, you did something very minor three weeks ago that you didn’t even think twice about, which actually put in motion a series of events that eventually led to Shawn Mendes and Camilla Cabello breaking up.

 

Capricorn: You will have the opposite of a growth spurt and wake up 4’9. 

 

Aquarius: You will be arrested and convicted for screenshotting an NFT. 

 

Pisces: [Due to the disturbing and distressing nature of events in your near future, this horoscope has been retracted.]

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