By Collin Bolebruch
Having reported on SUNYAC sports for three years now, I want the sports section to expand beyond Plattsburgh. In this column, I will explore membership issues, rivals’ seasons and the conference the Cardinals call home.
In the fourth week of SUNYAC fall sports, we’re on the brink of the drama and excitement of the conference season. With no playoff scenarios, breakout players or rivalry games to discuss, I want to move outside of the realm of reality.
In the SUNYAC, the Cardinals face off against the Lakers, the Bengals hit the road to play the Bears and the Mustangs and Kangaroos are ready to take the stage. Obviously, these are college students in uniforms. But what if it wasn’t?
What if these fearsome mascots really took to the battlefield?
10TH PLACE: PLATTSBURGH CARDINALS
On one hand, I have pride in my school and in the Cardinal red. On the other, I don’t think it would be controversial to say the Northern Cardinal — the species the logo represents, and the only one native to the area — stands no chance against its opponents. The bird’s diet consists mostly of seeds, grains, fruits and insects. The Cardinal has multiple natural predators, including…
9TH PLACE: NEW PALTZ HAWKS
A variety of hawks call the Hudson Valley home, but the red-tailed is safely the most prominent in the region. Adult red-tailed hawks stand fairly unopposed in the wild as far as natural predators stand. As birds of prey, hawks have been known to eat smaller birds. Sorry, Plattsburgh, but you’re dinner to New Paltz.
8TH PLACE: OSWEGO LAKERS
The Oswego Lakers, or the Great Lakers, stand to represent the people of the Great Lake region of New York. A Laker, a person, with nothing to defend themselves but their bear — sorry, bare — hands, will have a difficult time advancing far in the SUNYAC gauntlet. The Laker has wit on their side, but ultimately falls short in terms of physicality.
7TH PLACE: CANTON KANGAROOS
The Canton Aggies — no, Northmen — no, Northstars — yes, Kangaroos, finally, have suffered an identity crisis throughout its existence, eventually landing on the animal native to a country 10,000 miles away. Though scarce, lethal kangaroo attacks have been reported in Australia. If motivated, the roo could very well employ its thumping kicks and surprising strength to defeat an ill-equipped average New York resident.
6TH PLACE: MORRISVILLE MUSTANGS
A mustang, a wild American horse, weighs on average 800 pounds — 700 pounds heavier than the average kangaroo. There’s a reason why fighters compete in weight classes. A bucking, untamed horse could easily stomp out a kangaroo. The sheer size and force of a horse would put an end to any attempt at punches or kicks.
5TH PLACE: POTSDAM BEARS
The Potsdam logo resembles a brown bear, yet only black bears are native to New York. Nativity isn’t definitive — see Canton — but it makes this exercise easier. Black bears aren’t as aggressive or as strong as grizzlies, but in desperation, will use its 800 pounds per square inch bite and large paws to tear a horse apart.
4TH PLACE: FREDONIA BLUE DEVILS
Now, there is no clear origin available online that explains the Blue Devils name. Blue Devils is a name used by 11 colleges, and as Duke University has published, derives from the French infantry force, “Les Diables Bleus.” The unit handled Lebel Model 1886 rifles, a bolt-action 8mm rifle, enough to safely take down a black bear. Now I’m just left wondering how this became a popular sports mascot.
3RD PLACE: BUFFALO ST. BENGALS
Humans stand atop the food pyramid thanks to their cunning and use of tools, which has helped Fredonia come this far — but their run stops here. A rifle designed 137 years ago likely does not pack enough power to take down one of Earth’s few man-eaters. Bengal tigers have been known to hunt humans. Their combined strength, speed and leaping ability make them nearly unbeatable in this ring.
1ST/2ND PLACE: CORTLAND/ONEONTA RED DRAGONS
Dragons are not real, so there’s no true way to measure their power. I can make them fight in my mind though, and they’re pretty cool. The impossibly large, scaly, flying, fire-breathing beasts could turn all of their opponents into ash with little effort. Game of Thrones type stuff. This awesome ending is dampened by the fact that two schools in a 10-team league share the same name, leaving us with no clear winner.
Wait, I decide what happens. I’m tired of seeing Cortland take our championships. Oneonta’s dragon is way cooler and way bigger and defeats Cortland’s dragon. Oneonta wins.
